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“The best way to care for her was to let her slip away”
Brian and Norah had been together 60 years when Norah became critically ill. She had shared her wish not to have any life-prolonging treatments after many years of poor health. Brian shared their story:
“We met at a dance and when I looked into her eyes, I thought ‘This is the one for me’. She was just so lovely. I fell in love with her that night and our romance flourished. But she became ill soon after and a nurse said to me ‘Norah’s health is very poor. If I were you, I would think seriously about making any commitment.’ But I had already decided that I was going to see her through.
Norah had a long life and enjoyed many good times despite her health challenges. She gave us four beautiful children and they in turn gave us six grandchildren. Norah loved them all dearly. As she had dreamed, we always lived in the home where we came as a newly married couple. We raised our family there, and her best friend lived next door. As hard as it was to let Norah go, those things comfort me. I wonder how different our lives might have been if I had taken that nurse’s advice and walked away. I would have missed out on the greatest love of my life.
At the age of 82, Norah finally slipped into unconsciousness at home. She had barely accepted any food or drinks in days. I knew she was in a poor state of health but it was still devastating when the doctor said, ‘If we can’t clear the sepsis and bring her back to consciousness, it will be best for Norah to let her go’. I had spent most of my life trying to look after Norah’s health but now I had to come to terms with the fact that the best way to care for her was to let her slip away peacefully.
“I just want to go home”
I didn’t want her to suffer in any way. She had been unable to get out of bed for over a year. She was totally dependent on me - but we had always been so close as a couple that I was happy to care for Norah. She had been at a critical stage a year before and the nurses had prepared me for the possibility of losing her. She had made it through that time - but the doctors talked to me about goals of care for her then.
They suggested that given her state of health, Norah shouldn’t receive any life prolonging treatments like resuscitation. Norah never had a chance to write an advance care directive but with the conversations we shared, I knew her wishes. I agreed to those goals of care as whenever Norah was in hospital, she told me she didn’t want any more treatments. She always said, ‘I just want to go home’.
She wanted to spend as much time at home with me and her family as she could. She didn’t want a nursing home. I didn’t have any great nursing skills but I cared for her with love. She wanted me to play our favourite tunes, read her poetry and be by her side.
“Surrounded by our family’s love”
After the doctor suggested they should withdraw the artificial feeding and fluids and just keep Norah comfortable as she slipped away, we all agreed as a family. It was both a really sad time and a beautiful time. All our family members were able to come together, and we took turns staying with Norah day and night. We were well supported by the caring staff. We listened to music, sang along, reminisced, laughed and cried. We felt she was listening as we talked and sang to her. Norah was surrounded by our family’s love until her last moments.
After supporting Norah to fulfil her wishes and pass peacefully, I have wanted to share my own treatment preferences with my family. I am planning to develop my own advance care directive. I have got to 87 and feel that I’ve had a wonderful life. A lot of people feel they will get their rewards in their next life. I am so grateful to have had my rewards in this life.”
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